Running

Sometimes I feel that I am always running - that I hit the ground running every morning, run all day, and then run to bed at night - only to wake up in the wee hours with my brain running on and on without my consent, unable to fall back asleep, and so exhausted that I just want to cry.

I was talking with an old friend the other day, and he asked me "so, are you as busy as you've always been?". To which I said "NO". That's the truth - honestly - as difficult as that my be to believe. His response? "Right. Sure."

So that's that. I'm a "busy" person I guess. The person that everyone always thinks has too much going on. Even when my life is slower, it's still busier than your average person's.

I've steadfastly tried to change that in my life, I swear. To put boundaries around my work and reserve my free time for my fiancee, my family, my friends, or just for me.

And still... STILL. I find myself feeling like I'm running to catch up. To finish wedding planning, to finish organizing the new house before we have a housewarming party, to finish re-staging and re-mounting ALL SHOOK UP because we just HAD to do it again a month before my wedding.

Sometimes I stop and ask myself, is it all worth it? Why on Earth have I always had this compulsion to make others see me as Wonder Woman (photo below)? Why am I so proud that I can't just stop and say NOOOOOO! I don't want to! NO! That stresses me out! NO! I just want to have a LIFE!

Then I immediately feel selfish for thinking that. And the cycle starts all over again.

Did you know that I am terrified of my cell phone? I have a real phobia developing. Every time it rings I'm deathly afraid of it - my phone ringing equals someone wanting something from me - a piece out of what remains of my personal time.

That's not healthy.

So I'll keep working on it. As I always have. Chipping away at it one day at a time. Fighting for my personal time while I work myself to the bone.