A few weeks back, I was privileged to attend the Orlando premiere of a feature film that I shot last June. It's a locally produced project with pretty decent buzz being built around it - it will receive it's New York premiere this June, and after that will premiere in Atlanta, Los Angeles, Miami, and ever onward. Because of the way the story is told, I feature prominently in the opening of all the trailers, and in the film itself. I'm finally in a project that might receive some distribution, some recognition, some publicity. Things that I can use to open more doors.
It's terrifying. Well - not the possibilities of the project - the red carpet of it. The schmoozing, the self marketing, all of it.
I'm an artist - I love to show up and do the work. I love the challenge of it, and in film, the particular challenge of doing it again and again and again. Finding ways to make it honest and truthful and powerful when you've already shot the same scene 20 times from three different angles.
But the reality of walking the red carpet? Terrifying. That fear of being found wanting? That maybe people will realize you're a fraud who just likes to play dress-up? Borderline debilitating. Being asked to make small talk with strangers? Scary. For someone who calls herself an actor and prides herself on being able to transform into literally ANYTHING or ANYONE, I am a terrible faker in my personal life. I hate it.
Nothing in my "training" has prepared me to dress myself and walk the red carpet and self promote and network. Oh - the anxiety. Maybe I'm the odd duck, but I didn't become an actor to be famous. I became an actor because I love to tell stories, and take people on a journey. Part of the job is to promote projects that you're in, though, and I just need to get on board.
I really had to work myself up to show up and walk the red carpet that night. I was terrified that I would stick out like a sore thumb, be overdressed or underdressed. Thank God I had Jason and Joyce with me to keep me steady. With their support, I survived it. I overcame my personal neuroses, and made it through. No one called me out as a "faker". Mark one for me on my personal scoreboard!
Next time it will be easier.
Man... I would kill for a stylist....
The Breaking Point Official Trailer from james on Vimeo.