Goodbye Sucks

I snuck into LA for a few short days to visit my family before Christmas. When I say I snuck in, I really mean it. There were only a handful of people who knew I was coming. Why? Because I needed to spend the time with my family, with my best friend, with my precious godbabies. I wasn't trying to hurt any feelings or blow anyone off, I was trying to make the most of the precious time I have.

I leave in the morning after only five days. Five days I am so grateful for, but wish they were longer.

Jason wasn't able to come on this visit with me - it was just me - giving me the opportunity to spend quality time and celebrate Christmas.

This will be my first Christmas away from my family. The last two years, Jason has made the sacrifice so I could be at home for the holiday. It's high time we celebrated with his family, especially since everyone will be in town this year. And they are so kind and gracious, offering to modify and include my traditions so the day won't be so sad for me. So I will feel included. I am so grateful and thankful that they love me so much they're concerned for me on Christmas. And that they understand just how difficult that day will be for me.

Whenever I hear "I'll be home for Christmas", I've been either crying or turning the radio off this year. I don't need any extra reminders that I will only be home for Christmas in my dreams. I'm sobbing right now, just thinking about it.

But I got to have a special Christmas breakfast with my family on this visit, which is the event that feels most like Christmas to me.

I got to hold my new godson for hours, smelling that scent that only babies have. I got to dance ballet with my god-daughter. I got to tell stories with my grandfather. I got to shop with my best friend, and run errands with my sister, and take my parents to the movies, and walk on the beach with Steph, and drink mimosas with Jen and Marissa. I am a lucky, lucky girl.

It has been such a great visit.

Still tomorrow, when it's time to say goodbye, it will hurt so badly.

Goodbye always sucks, no matter how many times you have said it.