Confident vs. Cocky

When I transferred to the University of Michigan (read THIS POST for more), I thought I was the s%#t.  When I landed at Michigan, I was handed the realization that I was now in an environment where everyone had their "thing" and they were better at it than I.  They were funnier.  They could sing circles around me.  They had a better body.  They were better technical dancers than I was.... The list went on and on.  I took a huge hit to my ego (which was needed at the time, I'll be honest), and got back to work, trying to find what I did best and what made me special.  I'm not sure I ever found it.  I hid in directing and choreography for a long time - afraid to put myself out there again because I wasn't sure I was good enough.

And then we moved to Florida, and I started working again.  I began to realize that there was a market for ME - that just because I don't look like Jessica Alba doesn't mean I can't work.  That just because I'm not Melissa McCarthy funny that I can't make people laugh.

2013 has been a time of rediscovering what I CAN do, instead of beating myself down for not being "good enough".

So - when we closed NUNSENSE last weekend, I sat down and started to evaluate what I had learned from revisiting Sister Mary Amnesia.

Before I go into this list, though, please know that I am not being cocky.  I am confidently stating the things that I remembered that I do well. And God knows that there is a difference between confident and cocky.

I learned from a singer friend of mine (whom I really respect) that I have a much better voice than I give myself credit for.  I am never going to be able to scream it out like Idina Menzel - that is not the voice I was given - but my voice is MINE and it's a good one. I should be proud of it and have confidence in it!

I re-learned that I am funny, and that I have a gift for physical comedy.  That if I relax, and have fun, and don't try to work so hard that people will laugh.  And they will laugh hard.  I had comments from audience members (who continued to come back) that I reminded them of Kristen Wiig (of Bridesmaids) and Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory. Such compliments, and a reminder that just because I don't do stand up doesn't mean I'm not funny.  I will be pursuing more comedic work, or just creating my own.

And I re-learned that I LOVE to entertain.  I remembered how powerful it is to have an audience in the palm of your hand - to know that they are taking your journey with you, and are so in tune with what you are doing that you can make them laugh hard with just a grin.  How incredible it is to know that you have brought so much joy to their lives for two hours - that no matter what they are going home to, they had two hours of solid laughter with some tears mixed in.  Laughter truly is the best medicine, you know.

So - I'm aggressively re-evaluating my plan and figuring out where it takes me next.  My new mantra: Confidence is not cockiness.  Be confident in your skills, and go use them, just don't be an a-hole. ;)

I can't wait to see what happens!

Hamming it up with the audience as Sister Mary Amnesia.
Production Photo courtesy of TheatreWorks Florida.
NUNSENSE, 2013.

#ActorProblems

Many so called actor problems aren't problems at all. Yes - there are some serious actor problems: paying bills, making enough to eat, healthcare issues if you don't have a union to protect you, having your fragile self esteem bashed regularly... Those are serious problems.

What aren't real problems are these - having to juggle your day job to accommodate auditions and bookings, getting too many emails from your agent(s), having to quickly (like within hours) put a role on tape for a TV series audition your agent got you...

It always cracks me up when actors complain about the second set of problems. You chose this life - did you really think you were going to immediately become a star and never have to work a survival job?

Are you really going to complain about, or God forbid, skip out on an opportunity to audition for a role on a major network TV series because you have to stay up late to get it in under the wire?  Are you going to complain about going through the schedule shuffle when your agent calls to tell you you booked a commercial that shoots tomorrow morning? God forbid they like you so much they bring you back the next week to add extra audio!

How bad do you want it? Are you willing to do what it takes?

I was fortunate enough to have both of those actor problems in the last week. I had to juggle my Wednesday schedule to drive back to Tampa and record extra audio for my commercial that starts airing all over Florida in about another week.

And the very next day, one of my agents called with an audition for a MAJOR network show that I had to shoot and turn around for her by midnight. I came home from Nunsense performance, did my hair, touched up my makeup and got that video in on TIME because its important. Because its the price you pay to be a working actor. Because those kind of  #actorproblems  are not really problems at all. 

And I asked for them. When they become a nuisance and a chore, it's time to get out of the business.

I wish I had those problems every week!

Having Amnesia at 20 and 30

I've been harping on story lines a lot lately, but it seems that every time I turn around someone is talking about the importance of celebrating and really living your personal story.

So here's my storyline for this week:

We opened Nunsense last Friday, and it has been such a joy to live in the skin of Sister Mary Amnesia again.

The last time I played her was ten years ago. I was 20 years old, about to transfer to the University of Michigan and felt that the world was my oyster.

At a certain age, you feel invincible. The world hasn't beaten you down yet and every possibility feels like it is open to you. I hadn't yet fully realized how talented everyone else was, and had a strong belief in my own abilities and potential. Basically, I thought I was the s*%t (excuse my French). I wasn't conceited so much as supremely confident that everything was going to work out just as I had planned.

I was going to get my BFA at Michigan and move to New York and become a Broadway star, transition to Film and TV and have my own series. Believing in yourself that much can be magical.

So I marched my little butt down to a professional theatre in Orange County, and had the audacity to decide that I was going to play Sister Mary Amnesia. And my self belief sold itself to the director and music director and at 20 I landed the most challenging role of my life.

In retrospect, I was nowhere near prepared to tackle the challenges of Amnesia - the comedy, the several octaves of vocal range, the emotional arc. But I had no idea at the time. I worked harder than I ever have in my life - even learning ventriloquism - and I did it. Somehow, I did it. I was so proud. I grew so much. And it was one of those shining moments where I set my mind to wanting something and achieved it. It glimmers in my memory as a time I really pushed myself beyond my limits. To be honest, I really felt like superwoman.

At the time, I was carrying 20 college credits, teaching acting and dance classes two days a week, co directing and choreographing a production of Bye, Bye Birdie, and working a part time retail job. All on top of making that one hour each way drive (without traffic - I don't even want to talk about what it was like with traffic) to Orange County five days a week for rehearsals.

Just the thought of what my life was like then gives me a border line panic attack. I think I must have been crazy. Now, I can barely manage my weekly teaching schedule, regular auditions and this production of Nunsense.

That time in my life shaped a lot of who I am today, and I am so grateful for it. I am also grateful for the opportunity to revisit such a special role with a lot more training and some serious humility. The experience has been very different. I would hope that I am doing better work at 30 than I was at 20, but it would be nice to have back a little bit of the confidence and audacity I had at that age.

We could all use a little more confidence and self belief, right? Shouldn't we all remember what it is to dream big?

And who knows, maybe I will get a chance to benchmark with Amnesia again at 40!

Sister Mary Amnesia with Sister Mary Annette,  2013

Sister Mary Amnesia with Sister Mary Annette, 2003

Put on Your Big Girl Pants

I teach kids - a lot of them - and many of them are preschoolers. Every now and then I have to remind one of them to act like a big boy or big girl. Nobody, not even preschoolers, wants to be thought of as a baby. So when you tell them to look like a big boy/girl it gets their attention. They almost always snap back into great kids!

It's been a wild week around here. I am now teaching 20 dance classes a week, am in tech for NUNSENSE, which opens tomorrow and runs for four weeks, and have had a steady number of auditions and bookings through all of that. It's enough to make the biggest girl a baby at some point.

On my way to this morning's acting gig, my car said that one of my tires was low. Immediate response? Panic. Frustration. A desperate need for my husband to come and fix everything for me.

So I took a deep breath, reminded myself to put on my big girl pants and handled it.

I made it to the booking early (that's why you always leave extra time, folks!) and was able to get on with my day.

Cause I'm a big girl. And I wear big girl pants!

Grit and Pearls

I have continued to stew on storyline and living the best story I can, every day.

That can become difficult when I start to compare my dreams (and progress toward them) with others I know. You see, I have been blessed over the years to work with some exceptional talents, and many of them are really succeeding in their careers right now. Some are huge, some will be huge shortly. I am so proud to know them and have had some small part in their journey. The trouble comes when I start to compare myself to these actors I know. My career trajectory has been totally different, and doesn't deserve to be compared. And I can't start thinking "It's too late", just because I haven't yet achieved the success I had hoped to by this age. It just means that success looks different than I planned!

Jen Louden has a beautiful post on this topic today, about how all of our struggles and failures are the grit that we can ultimately choose to turn into pearls. Read it here: http://jenniferlouden.com/too-late-by-whos-clock/

So Today I will choose to work on my pearl. To be overjoyed for my successful friends, and to continue plugging along on this path I'm on.

To celebrate where I am today, I finally posted my demo reel - that all important actor tool in our Internet based world. Check it out!:



And be kind to yourself today. You deserve it!

It's Been a Minute

Well, I'm up to my eyeballs in rehearsals and homework for this new production of NUNSENSE I'm in, and loving every second of it. It has been so fun to go back to a role I played (and LOVED) ten years ago, with fresh eyes and ten more years of life experience. God forbid I would do it the same way I did before! So I'm embracing the challenge of it, taking it with fresh eyes, because, you know... it's been a minute!

This is the first opportunity I've had to really revisit a role. I've revisited certain shows in different ways - first as a performer, later as a director or choreographer or both - but have really and truly never revisited a role before. It's amazing how much muscle memory is still there, and how I've had to suppress that to truly view the show from a fresh perspective.

It's hard work, and it's a blast working with such an awesome cast and team every night!

Can't wait to share some photos of me back in the habit - until then, here's the banner for the show featuring our very own "RevMo". :)

A Better Story

I've been thinking quite a bit about our personal stories lately. A few weeks back I wrote about a book, "The Alchemist", that was utterly life changing for me. What brought that post up was a book I read last month and have continued to return to, a few chapters at a time, called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" by Donald Miller. I've read several of Don's books over the years, and I always seem to encounter them at a time when I need them most.

"A Million Miles..." Is about our story lines - crafting them into a life someone would want to make a movie about. Maybe it's my adventurous spirit, maybe it's my deep desire to leave a lasting impact on the world in some small way, but the idea of crafting a life that could be made into a dynamic film really resonates with me. Instead of making a movie about driving in the car, getting groceries and rushing to work, I'd like to be in a film about a woman who changes lives and sees the world and lives passionately - who scuba dives and learns new languages and interacts authentically with different cultures. Who made something of her life, however long or short it may be.

Because the reality is that there are no guarantees on how long we have - no one but God knows the number of our days on this earth. So why wait to make it spectacular? Why not do the things you dream of now? Our only limitations are the ones set by ourselves - the things we perceive. But time is fleeting - make each day matter!

I really believe that living a good story means being fully present in every moment of your life. Not wishing time away. Perfect example - yesterday was a rough day - it was long and tough and I caught myself at one point just wishing that it would be over. So I forced myself to shake it off and breathe and choose to live a better story for the rest of the day. And it worked. It was a better day after that. I lived a better story for the rest of the day.

Today I have jury duty, something that I do not have the luxury of time for this week. So I'm forcing myself to look at it as a gift - to enjoy the time to write and read and decompress. To make plans for my story so that the rest of the day is lived better. Maybe I will find an opportunity to live a better story while sitting in the jury pool today.

It's all about perspective and attitude, and choosing to craft my circumstances instead of drifting along wherever the wind blows me - dreaming of what could be but never living it.

As part of that, I've decided to re-examine the extraordinary chapters of my life that I've already lived, and those will begin to appear here on this blog. If we don't tell our stories, we forget them.

Let the storytelling begin.

And go check out "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" and Donald Miller's Storyline Blog - storylineblog.com